The Answer

by Rob James

Jeez, isn’t the world a miserable place at the moment. There’s a global economic crisis going on, rising unemployment, rising water levels and shrinking ice caps, extremes of weather with people dying in the heat in America whilst people in Russia drown in floods, the Middle East continues to fight wars that no ones ever going to win and still a British player can’t win at Wimbledon. What a lot of doom and gloom there is around the place! And no one seems to know how to sort things out. But I’ve doing some been thinking and I reckon I’ve got the answer to all of these problems. It’s simple, you could start it today and best of all, it is free.

Nudity!

Yes people, it’s as easy as that. Let’s all just get naked all the time. How would this help? Let me explain; I’ve thought this through.

The global economic crisis has been caused by the banks, right? Irresponsible lending, poor choices in investments and the awards of big bonuses to people who didn’t deserve them. Not to mention the blatantly criminal activities that some of them have been up to! But these are symptoms, not the cause of the issue. The issue here is big egos and raw greed. What better way to lower egos than to get everybody naked? It doesn’t matter how fine a specimen you might appear to be with your clothes on; naked we all have something we’re insecure about. Naked we are all generally a lot more humble. And more humble bankers wouldn’t have destroyed the world economy!

Rising unemployment, you might think, won’t be helped by getting rid of clothes. The clothes shops will close down and the sweat shops would all go bust. And the adult industry would be washed up immediately. Well, yes they would but what about all the other new opportunities that might spring up. We’ll need all sorts of new devices to keep us warm without clothes and all kinds of devices to stop our poor naked bodies coming into contact with said heating devices. And as for the adult industry moguls, well, I’m sure you’ll get people who want to get a sneaky peek at some photos with someone in a cheeky roll neck sweater or some dungarees! Niche tastes? Maybe… But this industry has been catering for niche tastes for many years!

Rising water levels and shrinking ice caps are off course a symptom of climate change, a condition that has worsened in the last century when we were all clothed. If you go back to the dawn of man when we were happy to wander round naked, or at least with minimal clothing, the climate was good for mankind. Coincidence? I think not. But even if you don’t agree, I think the summits held on climate change would’ve got a lot further if all the protagonists had been naked. Silvio Burlisconi would have agreed to anything and I have a feeling Sarcozy wouldn’t have raised many objections in these conditions. I’ve tended to notice that you have less arguments with people when you’re naked; it tends to aid a spirit of co-operation.

The extremes of weather are of course more difficult to solve by simply throwing off your clothes. I suppose it would make the Americans cooler and the Russians lighter although I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t have made any difference. But extremes of weather are linked to climate change (yes they are naysayers; look at the science behind it) and if nudity solves the previous problem then it’ll help this one too.

As for the war in the Middle East, can you seriously have a war with someone if you’re all naked? Could you imagine charging down another human being with your bits bobbing around for all to see. You just couldn’t take it all so seriously could you! Plus if everyone is naked then one of the major taboos of the Middle East would be eradicated straight away – no one would be covered up. Women would gain a level of equality they’ve never experienced out there before and the entire face of the region would be changed immediately and forever. Maybe nudity would be a good distraction from the religious issues that have gripped this part of the world for so long and allow the population to just chill out a bit.

And if Andy Murray had been naked in the Men’s Final at Wimbledon, Roger Federer would have been in helpless fits of laughter and wouldn’t have been able to play a single shot leaving Murray free to claim the title and finally shut the British up about the sodding tennis.

Any questions? No? Good. Then throw off your clothes, go forth and save the world.

Tags: August Edition, light relief, Rob James

Category: Light Relief