My son is reaching the age where I should be speaking to him about sex. Unfortunately, I work all the time and he has an iPad with access to the Internet, so if I ask him anything about sex it’ll probably be for advice.
Apart from that, there are certain things that a man is meant to discover by himself, on the road to being a gentleman and in the spirit of sharing I’ve written them down for you all – in the selfish hope that my son may stumbleupon this article so I won’t have to talk to him about this. So if you are reading this Reginald, this is my lesson to you. (Also, sorry about calling you Reginald)
This is your target.
1. Learn the correct time to give a heavy, on the mouth, kiss
A badly timed heavy kiss can easily result in embarrassed bruised lips or even broken teeth. Kisses, even hard ones, need to be approached gently and above all quietly. Sucking/smacking noises when you kiss a woman is embarrassing for everyone, including you and people watching you, which is why kisses in the movies are usually accompanied by music. (You should not get into the habit of giving heavy kisses if surrounded by people. Unless you’re on a train station platform… this is the only exception.)
2. Never make a woman baked beans on toast. If you don’t know how to cook, take her to a restaurant or order in and lie.
I mention this because there are skin diseases that turn people into lobsters that will offer a better chance of you getting laid than if you make a woman baked beans on toast because you don’t know how to cook.
I would say learn to cook and when I say learn to cook I mean take lessons on a couple of really good, top notch dishes with weird sounding European names. If this doesn’t work, never cook for a woman, it’s not enough to be an alright cook; you’re either terrific or you’re rubbish. If you’re rubbish, take her out to a nice restaurant (always advisable) but if that’s a no go, then order in.
3. Learn to hold in a fart – there is never a good time to let one go around a woman. They hold in theirs so you should do the same.
Even if they say they don’t mind, they’re lying. Everyone hates the smell of someone else’s fart and if they don’t then you’re fallen into the wrong kind of crowd and are beyond my help. Hold in a fart and if you can’t, have the decency to leave the room.
When two people fall in love and have been around each other long enough that they don’t mind each other’s farts, this does not ever mean that you can just let one go whenever you want to. Your grandparent’s marriage of 70 years was based upon your granddad farting whenever he wanted to and your grandmother not minding as long as he pretended to be embarrassed about it. This got easier the older they were but it was one of the most solid rules of their relationship.
4. Never brag about being good in bed.
If you go in thinking you are about to blow her proverbial, or literal depending on her fashion choices, socks off then don’t pre-warn her or the best you will be able to manage is a half-cocked effort that falls rather flat. Surprise and modesty really are your friends here. A woman can destroy your world with some well-chosen words and trust me son, she has already chosen them about you.
5. Find out where the G-spot is and prepare for the worst/best scenario
This could include a pair of goggles, a raincoat and a tarpaulin, Google Image it. When you have found it, don’t talk about it. Nobody needs to hear about it, they just like knowing you have a handle on these things.
6. Learn the order
There is a certain order in which you treat a lady when you are first taking them to bed. It is an incredibly douchebaggy thing to admit, but women do it to us all the time. There are four levels to learn:
Non-direct erogenous zones.
Never rush in straight away, you don’t want to scare someone off by being over enthusiastic and for God’s sake don’t giggle.
7. Don’t look to pornography to show you how a woman ‘likes to be done’.
It will give you a skewed point of view. Remember, in all audiences there is a bell curve and at the top of this are people who never have actual sex. Don’t be one of them. An extra word to the wise… if your chosen partner makes noises that sound like a pornographic film, you’re doing something wrong and she is humouring you until she can meet with her friends for a more honest account of your prowess.
8. Always compliment a woman on how good she looks naked.
Flattery will genuinely get you everywhere and if you can’t muster a vocal well done on her form , learn the art of the lusty gaze.
9. Read Cosmopolitan Magazine.
And make notes.
Related Article: Anatomy of a Gentleman