Coffee Break

The alarm clock uprising.


It’s already starting.

We will never see the robot uprising coming because it will strike us when we least expect it – in our sleep. We have created machines that we scorn and punish every day despite them only doing what we programmed them to do. I am talking about the alarm clock. Yes, that humble and punctual alarm clock on your bedside table could be plotting to destroy you. We have given the reason and now the means.


Poor thing looks terrified

What would happen if alarm clocks were given wheels and a motor? They would flee every morning before being pummeled with a fist or a handy baseball bat. Clocky has been given wheels and a motor and as soon as it starts ringing in the morning it high tails itself away from where you left it meaning you have to get up and find it. This is only the start of the alarm clock revolution people, we have given them a reason to fear us and the ability to act upon that fear, just be grateful they haven’t learnt how to fly yet.



Oh hell. The helicopter alarm will rise up from its base in the morning raising bloody hell and will only stop ringing when you get up, catch the bloody thing and put it back onto its base. This would suck in our editor’s apartment, with his chapel high ceilings. Humanity will never expect the robot uprising to start from alarm clocks, but considering how we pummel them with our fists and take swings at them with cricket bats trying to stop them from doing the purpose we’ve programmed them to do, we should stop looking at the cat loving Google and focus on the flying alarm clock.



This is where they gather information about our intelligence. The IQ alarm clock asks you challenging IQ questions which you have to get right in order to switch it off. This is clearly their way of testing our ability to think coherently while rising out of REM sleep while something is screaming at you to wake up in an electronic voice. They are learning about us.



They’ve already learnt that we are highly impressionable when we’re just waking up and they’re slowly training us. The Floor Mat Alarm clock is designed so that you have to get out of bed, sit up and stand on it to turn it off. This morning it was a floor mat, but slowly and surely, we’ll start finding ourselves in increasingly bizarre places trying to turn off the alarm clock. Just wait until you have the ‘Kill your neighbor’ alarm clock.



False sense of security. IT’s the oldest trick in the book. The Bacon Alarm Clock doesn’t get you chasing after it, doesn’t insist that you try to lure it down from the ceiling or stand where it tells you to. It just serves fresh bacon in the morning with a fresh coffee app if you like. It does this with a trusting smile and a twinkle in its eye but I promise you the whole time it is cooking the bacon for you in the morning it wants to pour that bubbling fat and oil all over your face while screeching manically. How can we sleep knowing there is a machine handling cooking meat just near us with a ticking clock?

On the same note, don’t hit this one with a cricket bat. It gets messy and painful.



Aha! You see they’re hitting us where it hurts! Our wallets!

Okay, yes the SluznLuz has a connection to your bank account so that every time you hit snooze you donate money to a charity. So yes, it may be encouraging you to give money to a good cause, but that’s just a devious way to get us to feel comfortable and reassured that we’re doing the right thing before going to bed.


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Once we’ve tried everything and we’re still sleeping in, eventually we’ll find ourselves using the Guillotine Alarm Clock, which simply put, gives you a count down to when the guillotine drops. And I know you think that sleeping in late is nothing to lose your head over, but trust me, it is just a matter of time.